White Trash Families (don't laugh... you know you got some hiding in the closet!)

A Night of White Trash Hicks and Comedy

Movie #1:  Best in Show (2000, with Eugene Levy, Jennifer Coolidge, Jane Lynch, Catherine O’Hara,

Fred Willard)

Jason and Kathy had both seen this movie.  I’d never seen it, and my co-worker had suggested both this movie and our second movie for one of our viewings.  What a hoot!  A “mock-umentary” of professional dog shows, the film follows several dog trainers on their journey to the Mayflower Dog Show.  You have the neurotic, tight-assed yuppies who take their dog to therapy, the suburban Florida “tacky neighbors”, the excessively gay couple, a redneck from Pinenut, North Carolina (our personal favorite), and a gold-digger wife to an ancient millionaire who’s having a lesbian affair with her dog handler.  All kinds of quirky and funny things happen to each of the couples during their ventures to achieve the highest pinnacle of dog-training celebrity.  The movie ends with a flash-forward to six months after the dog show and a kind of “Where Are They Now” montage that shows what happened after the blue ribbons were passed out.

What we liked:  1—Fred  Willard’s nonsensical and inappropriate commentary during the dog show.  He obviously has no idea what’s going on and is just trying to fill time—like ALL sports commentators!  He was great.  2—We loved that it appeared as though they were using real dog show judges in this.  If they weren’t actually show judges, then the casting was spot on.  3—The bloodhound from North Carolina and his simple, redneck owner.  They were the most genuine of the ensemble.  No craziness, no weirdness, just a man and his dog.

Odd Trivia:  From my research, there is no “Pinenut, NC”.  HOWEVER, there is a Pine Nut Lane in Apex, NC!

Ratings:  Jason 4;  Kathy and Me 3

Movie #2:  Sordid Lives (2000, with Delta Burke, Beth Grant, Beau Bridges, Bonnie Bedelia, Leslie

                Jordan, Olivia Newton-John)

“Jesus called……. Peggy answered.”

The tagline for this movie is “A black comedy about white trash”.  Boy, that’s the truth!  Peggy, family matriarch, has died in very….unusual…. circumstances.  (blogger leans forward to say in a loud stage whisper popular in Southern culture—“She was having an affair in a motel room… and when she got up to go to the bathroom….” Blogger scans room to avoid eavesdroppers—“she tripped over her lover’s wooden legs lying on the floor by the bed and DIED!”)  The film follows Peggy’s family as they grieve her loss and prepare for the funeral.  There’s Peggy’s sister (Beth Grant) who plays the only remotely sane person in the family.  Then you have Peggy’s two daughters, LaVonda and Latrelle, who violently argue over their mother’s old fox stole and whether their brother should come to the funeral.  Now here you have the brother—“Brother Boy” as the family calls him—a cross-dressing gay man who thinks he’s Tammy Wynette and is currently locked away in an insane asylum.  Then there’s the neighbor (Delta Burke) whose husband was the man Peggy was sleeping with and the cause of Peggy’s death!  Enter amongst all the family “dramedy”  a whole slew of eccentric townsfolk that just paint the picture of white trash life in Texas (or any Southern town, really).  Really—it’s just hilarious.  If you think your family is utterly dysfunctional and a complete mess—this one will make you feel a lot better about your kinfolk.

Odd Trivia:  Beth Grant is an East Carolina University alum.  GO PIRATES!

Ratings:  Kathy 5;  Jason and Me 4.5    (Really—watch it.)

Thanksgiving and Airplanes!

Thankful for turkeys, pumpkin pie, and airplanes—

Movie #1:  The Concorde…Airport 1979 (1979, with Robert Wagner, George Kennedy, Eddie Albert,   

                Susan Blakely)

The fourth of the Airport disaster movies that spanned the decade of the ‘70s, we all agreed that this one was the worst of the four.  This one actually had a plot—Robert Wagner is a traitor and a terrorist (by virtue of illegal arms sales to foreign terrorist regimes) and upon being discovered by his reporter girlfriend, he tries to blow up the plane, eliminating the evidence against him.  Obviously, they were pulling from the political landscape of the time.  The thing that makes the previous three Airport movies so great is the fact that they’re so outlandish—to the point of being science fiction at times with three-story airplanes, baby grand pianos, mile-wide aisles, and natural disasters that would never actually occur in nature.  This movie had none of that.  It was more a realistic snapshot of the political climate of the day and the dull, cramped, non-luxurious airplanes of real life.  SUCK.  These movies are all about being over-the-top.  This movie wasn’t even close.  The other problem with this movie is George Kennedy’s character—Joe Patroni (whom Kathy has consistently called “Joe Paterno” in every Airport viewing!).  In all of the other Airport movies, Joe’s character is presented as a mechanic/logistics guy.  They never allude to him being a pilot of any kind.   In this movie—he’s all decked out with a captain’s uniform and flies the dang plane!  WHAT???!!!!   Comparatively speaking, this one was a dud—out of the four. 

What we liked:   Guest appearance by Jimmy Walker (DYNOMITE!)      What confused us:  The guest appearance of Charo.  We waited the whole flipping movie to see that outrageous woman that no one can understand, and when she shows up, it is for literally 2 lines and 40 seconds of airtime.  What was the point?????  Obviously, she was there for name value only.

Ratings: Jason 2; Kathy and me 1

Movie #2:  Airplane!  (1980, with Julie Hagerty, Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack, Robert Hays, Peter Graves)

What’s your vector, Victor?

The hilarious spoof of the Airport movies, Airplane! Is a comedy that everybody knows.  I have to admit—I’d seen it before, and laughed at spots, but after having watched the disaster movies that this one based itself on, I was crying I was laughing so hard.  At everything!  A pedophile captain (which was really creepy, yet you still laughed), Kareem Abdul Jabar as co-pilot (which makes one ask… what the hell ever happened to him, anyway?….), a neurotic war vet (who thinks he’s John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever), and a host of odd, quirky people.  Everyone’s dying from bad fish dinners, the air traffic controller is trying to quit smoking, drinking, and sniffing glue—all unsuccessfully, and the neurotic war vet has to land the plane.   But the question in the forefront of everyone’s minds as the plane is in turmoil is “When we land—will we be stampeded to death by flower-bearing, muumuu wearing religious zealots?  No.. we want to die now.  We don’t want to land at the airport with the religious hippies!!!” 

What we liked:  Jimmy Walker’s cameo as the airplane washer (DYNOMITE!).    Moral of the story:  for the love of humanity… don’t ever choose a fish dinner on an airplane—if food is even offered during a flight ever again—remember… just say no to the fish!

Ratings:  Jason 5; Kathy and Me 4

The Starlet and the Sharktopus

With Halloween and the election over, and the world returning to normal (as much as is possible), we resumed movie night this week with an eclectic mix of features.

Movie #1:  The Star (1952, with Bette Davis and Sterling Hayden)

Bette Davis is a bit older in this movie.  Portraying a washed-up starlet whose aging has alienated her from the glittering Hollywood circles she used to move in, this movie follows our desperate leading lady through bankruptcy, family dramas, and finally being thrown in the drunk tank following a minor car accident brought on by intoxication.  She’s subsequently bailed out by a former pool boy (Sterling Hayden) that she gave a break to in one of her earlier films.  Joe (the former pool boy) tries to impress upon Margaret (our aging starlet) the futility of pursuing a career in Hollywood now and tries hard to make her see the merits of living a more “normal” life.  Needless to say, our starlet’s ego can’t even comprehend that she’s unwanted in Hollywood.  She’s flubs up a screen test by trying to play it young and sexy—in direct contradiction to the sullen old maid that’s required of the character.  Naturally, she’s passed over and the favor provided by the gift of a screen test proves futile.  This seems to bring about either a nervous breakdown or an epiphany….we couldn’t really tell which it was…very unclear.

Issues:  1. For one hour and 28 minutes, Bette Davis desperately parades herself around Hollywood practically begging for a movie.  She is completely fueled by her ego and has deluded herself into thinking she’s not “aged out”.  In the last 55 seconds of the movie, she gives all that up and runs to Joe with her long-lost daughter seeking family over fame.  I don’t buy it.  This was a cop-out to end the movie and was cooked up by some Neanderthal male sitting in a huge office wanting to reflect the “correct way for women to behave”.    2.  We assumed from the movie’s intimations that Joe was supposed to be in love with Margaret.  Well, other than seeing his wish to help someone who had once helped him and a fond remembrance for his crush as a very young man, we didn’t see any kind of chemistry between these two that would make anyone believe they were in love.  At all.   Huge problem in buying that they wanted to be a family and were in love.

Things We Loved:  Bette Davis was made up as a very dowdy and old woman for her screen test.  She then locked herself into a dressing room and redid her costume to reflect sex and youth.  Our favorite—she TOTALLY did Joan Crawford hair & bangs!!!  We think she did it to mock Joan—they were such rivals, you know….

Ratings:  Jason 2;  Kathy 2.5;  Me…1.5 –I just had a really hard time buying what they were selling.

Movie #2:  Sharktopus (2010, with Eric Roberts)

Okay—ever since we started “Movie Night”, Kathy has been insisting that we need to see this movie.  She has talked about how awesome it is for two years.  We have been trying repeatedly to catch it on streaming or as a DVD.  Well, the wait was over.  It finally came to us as a Netflix DVD.  IT SUCKED!  All that buildup---all that “foreplay”, and it was as bad as a gym-sock flavored ice cream cone.  I was on my phone looking at Pinterest almost the entire movie, and Jason was just sitting there with his eyes glazed over.  I think his brain actually stopped working for a bit due to the mind-numbing suck-ness of this movie.  Most creature-features have horrible CGI—you come to expect it really—but this was just really, really bad.  Really. Bad.   Also, you didn’t give a flying donkey’s right ass-cheek if that stupid fish/octopus/metallic teeth-gnasher  ate anybody or not.  There was not one character to remotely be interested in much less want to root for.  The thing Kathy loved about it was the Sharktopus could go on land… how the hell it could do that, no one knows.  For one, it doesn’t have lungs, so how could it breathe indefinitely on land while attacking Mexican coastal resorts and eating burrito and tequila filled tourists?  And two, it doesn’t have legs or feet.  Just tentacles.  How can you walk on tentacles?  They don’t have bones. 

We still maintain that The Swarm is the absolute worst movie of all time… but this is definitely the worst creature-feature ever.  Eric Roberts really, really needed $62.43 so that he could get some groceries at the Piggly Wiggly.  I’m sure Julia Roberts would decline to comment if I could ask her about it due to the embarrassment of having a relative actually film this.  (Not that she’s all that great herself, but then…. she’s not in Sharktopus is she????)

Kathy---you lied.  What the heck were you on when you saw this the first time that you fell in love with it so much????  I think you’d had a bit too much Miller Lite—you saw this through beer-goggles, didn’t  you?  That’s the only explanation….

Ratings:  Jason 0.5;  Kathy 1 (but she wants it known that she still loves the Sharktopus); Me….0.2 maybe

The Rest! (of the haunted story....)

Well, after battling a sinus infection for 2 weeks and surviving the insanity of helping throw the annual Halloween extravaganza, I can fill you all in on our last night of terror….

Last Week….

Movie #1:  The Ring (2002, with Naomi Watts, Brian Cox, Martin Henderson)

We three had already seen this movie.  It completely freaked us out the first time.  It was still just as creepy this go-around.  Impending death…a bizarre video…suicidal horses…sadistic and freaky little girl… If someone gives you an old VHS tape to watch—DON’T DO IT!!!  YOU WILL DIE!!!  (I can’t say more in case folks haven’t seen it… No spoilers for this one!)

Ratings:  4s all around!

Movie #2:  Halloween III:  Season of the Witch (1982, with Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin)

Worst movie in any of the slasher franchises…seriously.  John Carpenter agreed to direct another Halloween movie providing the plot revolved around some other psychopath than Michael Myers.  BIG MISTAKE.  You go from two excellent, and downright scary, horror flicks (Halloween and Halloween II) to this horrible dud.  Basic premise—all the kids buy these masks that will turn them into killers at 9pm on Halloween.  Here’s the first problem—there are 3 mask designs…it is absolutely unfathomable that all the children in the country will all want to be the same.  Problem number two—you don’t care about any of the characters whatsoever, so you really don’t give a crap that they’re all gonna be murdered in a matter of hours by brainwashed child delinquents hopped up on sugar and chocolate.  Problem number three—an entire town is decimated and then replenished with androids by one really ancient Irishman.  Like no one would notice what was going on… I mean—really.   Problem number four—the title says “Season of the Witch”.  There’s no mention of witches… at all.  They did drag a huge pillar from Stonehenge to southern California, but it’s all done with lasers not witchcraft.  Problem number five—that damn annoying commercial jingle that plays the ENTIRE movie.  You want all the little kids to murder everyone just so that damn jingle would stop.  Seriously.  Annoying.  As.  Crap.

Note:  It is our belief that every electronic synthesizer in California was blown up in the making of the music for this movie.  Our sympathies to the Synthesizer Humane Society of the 1980s.

Ratings: Jason 2; Kathy 1; Me…. -.5 (Yes, that’s a negative sign. 88 minutes of my life that I will never get back.)

Halloween Week!!!!!  (Movies that involve lots of fog)

Movie #1:  Sleepy Hollow (1999, Tim Burton, with Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci)

This is a retelling of Washington Irving’s classic short story “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”.  Although Tim Burton takes liberties with the plot, he remains true to the eerie atmosphere of Irving’s creation and the little idiosyncrasies of the different characters.  Burton is a great character developer (excepting Dark Shadows… see earlier blog post), and he excels in this one.  He takes a large number of townspeople and creates this little world in which superstition, fear of evil, mistrust, and preservation of appearances are all paramount.  “Truth is not always appearance.”   Johnny Depp (sigh….) plays Ichabod Crane, and in interviews about his performance, he has always maintained that he saw Crane as a sort-of prepubescent girl—prissy, frightened of shadows, and a know-it-all.   It works in this movie.  It gives enough humor to offset the ominous happenings in the Hollow.  We loved:  the scarecrows in this movie!  They were often more frightening than the horseman!  We also loved:  the casting for this movie.  Michael Gough, Michael Gambon, Miranda Richardson, Jeffrey Jones… they were all phenomenal. 

Ratings:  Jason & Kathy 4s; Me 4.5

Movie #2:  The Fog (1980, John Carpenter, with Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hal Holbrook)

I just love how all of John Carpenter’s creations have his name in the title credits:  John Carpenter’s The Fog; John Carpenter’s Halloween; John Carpenter’s The Thing….    They’re his damn it, and he wants to be sure you know!   Honestly, I saw the 2005 remake (and love it) before I ever saw this original.  It is dated now; however, the premise is good.  The interesting thing about this movie to us was that a large portion of the cast were all in Carpenter’s Halloween… kinda like Tim Burton always uses the same folks… but if ain’t broke, don’t fix it!  I can’t say much about plot because again I don’t want to spoil it for folks that haven’t seen it. However, I will say… watch the remake.  Of the two, the 2005 version communicates the story better, and the effects are much, much better.   We all agreed that the ending of Carpenter’s original 1980 movie would have been better if the eyes didn’t glow red.  Those glowing red eyes took silhouettes that would be very scary and turned them into 1980s cheese. 

Ratings:   2.5s all around.

More "terror" awaits...

And the journey into “terror” continues…..

Last week—Houses possessed by evil spirits!

Movie #1:  The Amityville Horror (1979, with James Brolin, Margot Kidder)

This is a classic horror film which, surprisingly, Jason had NOT seen.  So we watched… I think he was bored….but that’s just speculation.  Perhaps the scariest thing about this movie is the fact that it is built upon a true event that happened.  Most people have seen this at least once in their lives, so excessive plot discussion is unnecessary.  It has a simple plot—family moves into a “dream home” then quickly discovers it’s harboring a portal to hell and the evil spirits are driving the family insane! 

Moral of the story—If it’s a huge-ass house in a fancy neighborhood but is within your measly budget and several thousands less than houses half its size, then it’s POSSESSED!!!!!!  Do. Not. Buy.

Weirdest moment of movie—The pig-demon that appears in the window at the end of the movie when the family is trying to escape.  Odd.

Ratings—Jason 3 stars (although he believes the modern retelling is better); Kathy and Me 2 stars

Movie # 2:  The Skeleton Key (2005, with Gena Rowlands, Kate Hudson, Peter Saarsgard)

Kathy and I love this movie!  Again, it was one that Jason had actually not seen.  So we put it on the list for our “haunted house” night.  Set in the swampy, voodoo-laden bayous of southern Louisiana, a hospice nurse moves into an old plantation to care for an elderly stroke victim.  However—things are not as they seem.   There are secrets, locked rooms, mysterious customs…proving that staying in this house is quite dangerous.  You have the wonderful atmosphere of New Orleans, Creole blues music, the eeriness of the moss-covered and foggy swamps, and the intrigue of voodoo.   

Moral of the story—If you are living in a house that has an attic that’s supposedly never been opened in over 40 years, there’s a reason… Stay. Away.  Moral #2—If you’re told a “religion or magic” doesn’t work unless you believe it, then don’t start practicing it…. You’re gonna get sucked in…

Ratings—Jason and Kathy 2.5; Me 3

This week—Vampires and the Supernatural!

Movie #1: Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970, with Christopher Lee, Geoffrey Keen, Gwen Watson)

My goodness!  Where to begin!  Well, this is another horror film by the famous Hammer Film Studios of London, England, noted for bringing back to life the “horror genre” in the late 1950s.  Hammer Film flicks are typically grandiose in theatrics, feature pretty girls with “heaving bosoms”, and pretty cheesy special effects—all the elements of an awesome B movie.  In essence, this trio of “upstanding gentlemen” who also have a seedy side, reveling in the perverse once a month at a hidden brothel, come in contact with a reputed Devil Worshiper.   We, in fact, find out that the man is worshipping Dracula.  Through a bizarre ritual, Dracula is reincarnated and then seeks to destroy the 3 men who killed his servant.  The 3 men die, 2 of the men’s children die, and terror plagues the village.  Throughout the madness, we see Christopher Lee as a towering Dracula, seductive to the ladies. 

Moral of the story—If you are asked to partake in a mysterious ritual, ask questions FIRST.  Asking after the fact, is just plain stupid. 

Greatest shot of the movie—There is a moment when the camera turns, and you see Dracula standing at the top of a set of stairs, haughtily looking down at the people below, billowing cape enveloping him in blackness.  From the angle of the camera, Christopher Lee looks as if he were 10 feet tall.  It is an awesome shot.

Ratings—3’s all around for Taste the Blood of Dracula!!!  It is a well-done cheesy movie!  The sets and costumes are just stunning.

Movie #2:  The Terror (1963, with Boris Karloff, Jack Nicholson)

Poor Boris Karloff really needed some grocery money, and poor Jack was desperate for a break into show biz, apparently.  This movie is pretty bad by today’s standards and expectations.  None of us had ever heard of it.  A period “thriller”, a soldier in Napoleon’s army (Jack Nicholson) is separated from his regiment and, in his wanderings, finds a castle that holds a secret.  The plot involves deception, betrayal, murder, and vengeance—not all in that order necessarily.  Intrigued by a beautiful lady, the soldier ends up staying at the castle when he probably shouldn’t have.  Boris Karloff plays the master of the castle, and the key character in the scandalous secrets the castle keeps.  There is a twist at the end, which was interesting (although not explained well).  If any of you watched the ORIGINAL soap opera Dark Shadows and liked it, you’d probably like this okay. 

Funniest moment—The beautiful woman trying to strangle Boris Karloff.

Things I liked—The way this was shot reminds me a lot of the original Dark Shadows—minimalist yet theatrical sets, lots of crashing waves and fog, the references to witches/supernatural, the secrets surrounding the family crypt.  I also liked how this movie at several occasions felt reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe—say The Tell-Tale Heart, or The Fall of the House of Usher, or even The Cask of Amontillado.

Ratings—Jason & Kathy 1.5;  Me… I give it a 2.  It was “okay…but bordering bad”.

Pumpkins and Slashers....

‘Tis the Season….. for pumpkins and spooks and psycho killers!

We begin the month of October with the first of a series of themed horror nights.  This week’s theme….psychotic murderers—the classic slasher flick.  “It’s Halloween….everyone’s entitled to one good scare…”

Movie #1:  Halloween (1978, with Donald Pleasance, Jamie Lee Curtis)  4.5s all around!

The ultimate Halloween movie from John Carpenter is always a great go-to movie for those wishing to be scared in the dark.  We all three just love this movie for a multitude of reasons.  It’s simple.  It’s subtle.  It works.  What scares people most are the little bumps in the night…the feeling that you’re being watched…thinking you saw someone in the shadows, but you’re just not sure…  There are no insane special effects.  This is not the “torture porn” that has become the mainstream vision of contemporary horror flicks.  It was obviously low-budget.  Heck, the actors all wore their own clothes for the movie.  It endures because of its simplicity.  The other reason it survives is because, just like with Jaws,  John Carpenter’s score for this movie created an auditory memory for the viewer.  The music is so indelible… once you’ve heard it, you never forget it.  You can just hear that music, and the first thing that comes into your mind—no matter who you are—is Michael Myers in his overalls and white mask lurking in the shadows.  Biding his time… just waiting and watching….for you to be completely absorbed in whatever it is that you’re doing…that you don’t see him behind you… raising his hand…

Movie #2:  Friday the 13^th (1980, with Adrienne King, Betsy Palmer, Kevin Bacon)

Our second slasher film of the night was another total classic—the original Friday the 13^th.  Where Halloween was a serious, and successful, attempt at a horror film, the Jason Voorhees series is complete and utter spoof—and it’s successful at it.  It knows that it’s campy, cheesy, and owns it.  The key to watching these slasher films is to make sure you’re a virgin.  If you’re a slutty tramp-puppy (girl OR guy!), you’re dead meat—usually while you’re in the middle of being grossly promiscuous.  Beware all kind looking middle-aged ladies with huge teeth and ugly sweaters.  The violence in this one goes a bit further than that of its inspiration, Halloween.  We go from relatively tame chokings and minor stabbings in 1978 to machetes in the chest, axes in the face, and decapitations by boat oar.  Of all the slutty teenagers that starred in this film, really only one became a household name.  Yes, he of the “always perfect hair”, Mr. “Let’s Dance!” Kevin Bacon.  (Jason was digging the daisy dukes….see picture below.) So, remember kids… don’t have sex.  Stay pure, my friends…and stay alive.

Ratings: Jason 4; Me and Kathy 3.5s



Look at them boys with the Daisy Dukes on!  Look at them boys with the Daisy Dukes on!



Favorite scenes:  Halloween—When Michael Myers comes upstairs to kill the slutty blonde cheerleader and she thinks it’s the boyfriend in a sheet playing ghost.  He has the guy’s glasses on over the sheet.  He’s doing the Darth Vader breathing.  Hilarious.  And Freaky.

                             Friday the 13^th—When Adrienne King (the last virgin standing) takes Betsy Palmer’s head off with a boat oar.  That’s just so over the top. 

Eternal Debate:  There has been a debate now for decades about what the background noise in Friday the 13^th is.  You know what I’m talking about—that spooky repetitive whispering that is not entirely clear.  We discussed this at length last Tuesday—and via email all week at work.  We each have our own take on what it is.  Jason believes he’s correct just because he stole it from his 700-page illustrated history of Friday the 13^th—“ka ka ka ka ka….ma ma ma ma….”  Supposedly to represent dead Jason saying “kill ma”—telling his mother to kill the slutty teenagers.  Kathy thinks it’s “ta ta ta ta ta ….pa pa pa pa pa”—not sure what that’s supposed to represent…

Me… and of course, I’m biased… I tend to agree with Vh1’s “I Love the 80s” version of this… “Jiff Jiff Jiff Jiff… Pop Pop Pop Pop”  Jason was hungry, and he wanted some popcorn, damn it!



Wild Cats, Murdering Morticians, and Bunny Vengeance

After three hectic and rather grueling weeks, I can finally get back to the discussion of cinema at its finest (or worst…)

Movie #1: Walk on the Wild Side (1962, with Jane Fonda, Laurence Harvey, Capucine, Ann Baxter)

Where, oh where, to begin, my friends out there in blog-world.  First of all, if you’re going by the title, then this movie is the exact opposite of what it suggests.  Brought to our attention by Kathy, supposedly this movie was an interpretation of how Hollywood presented homosexuality.  How they got that, I don’t know because there was never anything in this movie to suggest such a relationship.  You have Dove Linkhorn (Dove!  Who the heck names a boy Dove?!), a cowboy-esque character searching for his long-lost love of 3 years, Hallie (who is now working in a bordello in New Orleans…. Pretty Woman in reverse??).  Hallie is controlled by the madame of the Doll House, Jo, played by the ever-impressive Barbara Stanwyck.  (This is where the supposed homosexual relationship occurs; however, the only thing you take away is that Jo is determined to keep Hallie at the Doll House for popularity reasons and sheer, utter malice.  Sure didn’t look like love.)  This movie fails because of a couple reasons:  firstly, it is supposed to be a period piece of the early 1930s.  The only things accurate were the vehicles.  All the clothes, sets, music are so obviously 1960s that it’s hard to remember the real time this is taking place.  Also, as you watch the movie, it is blatantly obvious (thus frustratingly confusing) that there is a lot going on that is NOT in the movie.  Based on a novel of the same title, research has indicated that there is a lot of sensational material and necessary backstory for the plot that is not in the movie.  The story has great potential as a movie, and if done now as a true period piece, it could be really good.  If you want to “walk on the wild side”, read the novel.

Things we liked:  1. The acting of the female characters.  All the women in this movie were phenomenal, including Joanne Moore, whom I recognized as a character actor on the Andy Griffith Show.  2.  The cat fight during the opening credits…(it was a real cat fight, not a fight between 2 chicks.)

Ratings:   (These varied.  You all know I have little patience with poorly developed movies..)  Jason 3.5; Kathy 2.5; Me… 1.5

Movie #2: Bernie (2011, with Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, and Matthew McConaughey)

Best tag-line from the movie:  “Oh shit!  Our donkey’s in a ditch.” (spoken by Bernie’s defense lawyer, “Scrappy” Holmes)

Friends and loved ones, this movie is a little treasure.  Unassuming, low-budget, no-hype—yet fantastic.  We had not really heard about this one, but somehow it was in Jason’s Netflix queue.  It’s only an hour and a half and is based on the real-life story of Bernie Tiede from Carthage, Texas (played by Jack Black).  Bernie is the town’s sweet and friendly mortician and is the pride and joy of every little blue-haired church lady in town.  The movie is filmed like a documentary, telling Bernie’s story of his life in Carthage and his subsequent conviction of murder though the comments of his friends, neighbors, and fellow Carthage citizens.  Matthew McConaughey plays the District Attorney that prosecutes Bernie for the murder of local widow Mrs. Nugent (Shirley MacLaine).  (We will be honest, Matthew is great in this movie because he’s not playing the “stud” role and is completely believable as a hick, publicity-hungry DA.  Kathy didn’t even recognize him until he took off his Stetson in one scene.  “What! That’s Matthew What’s-His-Name!”)  You root for Bernie the entire movie, and even though he did commit the murder, you just don’t want to see him go to jail for it.  (Kathy is sure this will be a future “Snapped” episode on Oxygen!)   The townspeople are genuinely sincere, and often extremely hilarious.  The soundtrack of this movie is all those great old hymns that us Southern church folk just love.   Jason and I kept going, “I remember that one!”  (I was singing most of them under my breath, to tell the truth.)  This is just a little treasure.  It really is.  Quaint, funny, sad. 

Things We Loved:  1.  Jack Black’s performance as Bernie.  Usually, he’s the spastic comedian, but in this movie, he’s very subtle.  You really get a feel for what Bernie Tiede is like.  I also loved Jack Black’s “Baptist preacher” look.   2.  The fact that this movie used real Carthage citizens that actually knew Marjorie Nugent and Bernie Tiede.  They didn’t try to “dress them up”.  They were natural and genuine.  Really added substance to this film.

Favorite Quote:  “Well, I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.”  (said by church lady during Bible Study… I personally know a lot of Southern church ladies that believe this with their heart and soul.  Bless ‘em.)

Ratings:  We all give this a 4, hands down.  Now go rent it!

Da da Da!!!!   Bonus movies!!!!

As I had to skip a few weeks, here’s a run-down on what we did watch (due to schedules, there were 2 weeks we skipped movie nite.)

**Albert Nobbs (2011, with Glenn Close, Mia Wasikowska)—Jason 4; Kathy 3.5; Me 3

**Airport 1977 (1977, with Lee Grant, Jack Lemmon, Joseph Cotten, Christopher Lee, Olivia de Haviland)—Jason , Kathy, and Me 3.5s all around

**What Ever Happened to Aunt Alice? (1969, with Geraldine Page, Ruth Gordon)—Jason 4; Kathy and Me 3

**Night of the Lepus (1972, with Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun, Stuart Whitman, and dozens of bunnies)

Remember all those bunny massacres we had a few weeks back….The bunnies got even!

Cheesy, low-budget, 1970s horror flick that would be a perfect “SyFy Channel movie of the week” if done now, Night of the Lepus is as it sounds.  Genetically mutated bunnies become humongous monsters and go around chewing up all the people.  For all you organically minded nutrition nuts out there, I guess these could be considered “free range” bunnies.  The pictures say it all, my friends…



The bunnies are coming!



The bunnies are here!!!!!





"We represent...the Lollipop Kids, the Lollipop Kids, the Lollipop Kids..."  We were obsessed with this guy's head...



Ratings:  Are you kidding….  (I actually fell asleep at the big “electrocution of the monster-bunnies” scene)

Favorite Line:  “That’s the way I wanna go, man!  I wanna be ‘fluffied’ to death.” (spoken by Kathy when the bunnies were terrorizing the town.)

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Neon and Nosedives

Well, we have another dud this week…but first, the movie Netflix made us wait forever to see….

Movie #1: Airport 1975 (1974, with ….my God, everyone!)

This is another one of those “old, aging Hollywood stars need some rent checks, so let’s put ‘em in a low-budget disaster movie and pay ‘em $45.00 a piece.”  You’ve got everybody in the free world and then some in this movie:  Charlton Heston, Sid Caesar, Gloria Swanson, Myrna Loy, Susan Clark, George Kennedy, Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., Erik Estrada, Jerry Stiller (who sleeps the entire time), Helen Reddy (the singing nun), and I don’t know who all.  At least with the sequel, the producers learned a few things since the original Airport released.  They didn’t drag out the movie for hours on end with a bunch of backstory nobody cared about.  Your typical disaster movie, it included the usuals:  freak accident, grisly deaths, screaming women, drinking men, teenage boys looking at the chaos going “Sweet…”, and one sweet, sickly girl lying there in pain (yet still smiling mind you) thinking, “What’s all the hub-bub, bub?  This is nothing!  I’ve just gotten over being possessed by Satan.” (That would be Linda Blair… fresh off the horror flick, The Exorcist.)

Things we liked:  1) Myrna Loy downing Boilermakers like a champ!  “I’ll have a bourbon…with a small beer chaser.”  2) The plane.  Now THIS is how we should travel!  A multi-story plane with a spiral staircase, neon upholstery, and huge-ass seats!  (Not anymore… you’re lucky if you can fly without swallowing your kneecaps after having to parade in front of everyone practically nude without the long-lost amenity of a bag containing 10 rancid peanuts and a half-cup of flat, warm soda.  But I digress….)  3) Gloria Swanson, as Gloria Swanson.  "Forget the jewels, honey.  We have to save my book!"  4) The face.  That’s all I’m going to say.  See below picture.



The Only Way to Fly!



The Face!

 

Ratings:  Jason 3.5; Kathy 2.5; Me 3   (Good solid disaster)

NOTE:  What was annoying was that the poor Air Force major, “the only guy who’s ever done anything like this” can’t get in this huge gaping hole in the cockpit because one hook gets caught on the edge of a piece of equipment.  While on the other hand, Ben Hur does somersaults and crawls into the hole backwards to save the day.  Whatever.

Movie #2:  Dinocroc vs. Supergator (aka “The Dud”)

What is sad about this movie is that, as far as I’m aware, it is probably David Carradine’s final role before his “oddly circumstanced” death in 2009.  “The Dud” was released in 2010.  This is gonna be short—and brutal.  They spent their entire CGI budget on the first 10 minutes of the film (which were pretty good for a cheesy creature feature).  The girls weren’t even pretty although they were obviously supposed to be attractive.  One of the actresses was so harsh it was hard to look at her—think drag queen with WAY too many facelifts.  It wasn’t even interesting enough to follow on the basest of levels, and believe me, we weren’t expecting much to start with!   If this tells you anything... I was literally dozing off on the floor during this movie.

Bottom Line:  If it ain’t a creature feature by The Asylum, then it ain’t good.

Favorite Line:  “Well, he’s dead.  He earned his $53.34.”  (by Jason upon the death of David Carradine’s character)

Ratings:  Jason ½; Kathy 0.13;  Me…0.0000112  (This movie was so bad it doesn’t even have a poster.)