Neon and Nosedives

Well, we have another dud this week…but first, the movie Netflix made us wait forever to see….

Movie #1: Airport 1975 (1974, with ….my God, everyone!)

This is another one of those “old, aging Hollywood stars need some rent checks, so let’s put ‘em in a low-budget disaster movie and pay ‘em $45.00 a piece.”  You’ve got everybody in the free world and then some in this movie:  Charlton Heston, Sid Caesar, Gloria Swanson, Myrna Loy, Susan Clark, George Kennedy, Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., Erik Estrada, Jerry Stiller (who sleeps the entire time), Helen Reddy (the singing nun), and I don’t know who all.  At least with the sequel, the producers learned a few things since the original Airport released.  They didn’t drag out the movie for hours on end with a bunch of backstory nobody cared about.  Your typical disaster movie, it included the usuals:  freak accident, grisly deaths, screaming women, drinking men, teenage boys looking at the chaos going “Sweet…”, and one sweet, sickly girl lying there in pain (yet still smiling mind you) thinking, “What’s all the hub-bub, bub?  This is nothing!  I’ve just gotten over being possessed by Satan.” (That would be Linda Blair… fresh off the horror flick, The Exorcist.)

Things we liked:  1) Myrna Loy downing Boilermakers like a champ!  “I’ll have a bourbon…with a small beer chaser.”  2) The plane.  Now THIS is how we should travel!  A multi-story plane with a spiral staircase, neon upholstery, and huge-ass seats!  (Not anymore… you’re lucky if you can fly without swallowing your kneecaps after having to parade in front of everyone practically nude without the long-lost amenity of a bag containing 10 rancid peanuts and a half-cup of flat, warm soda.  But I digress….)  3) Gloria Swanson, as Gloria Swanson.  "Forget the jewels, honey.  We have to save my book!"  4) The face.  That’s all I’m going to say.  See below picture.



The Only Way to Fly!



The Face!

 

Ratings:  Jason 3.5; Kathy 2.5; Me 3   (Good solid disaster)

NOTE:  What was annoying was that the poor Air Force major, “the only guy who’s ever done anything like this” can’t get in this huge gaping hole in the cockpit because one hook gets caught on the edge of a piece of equipment.  While on the other hand, Ben Hur does somersaults and crawls into the hole backwards to save the day.  Whatever.

Movie #2:  Dinocroc vs. Supergator (aka “The Dud”)

What is sad about this movie is that, as far as I’m aware, it is probably David Carradine’s final role before his “oddly circumstanced” death in 2009.  “The Dud” was released in 2010.  This is gonna be short—and brutal.  They spent their entire CGI budget on the first 10 minutes of the film (which were pretty good for a cheesy creature feature).  The girls weren’t even pretty although they were obviously supposed to be attractive.  One of the actresses was so harsh it was hard to look at her—think drag queen with WAY too many facelifts.  It wasn’t even interesting enough to follow on the basest of levels, and believe me, we weren’t expecting much to start with!   If this tells you anything... I was literally dozing off on the floor during this movie.

Bottom Line:  If it ain’t a creature feature by The Asylum, then it ain’t good.

Favorite Line:  “Well, he’s dead.  He earned his $53.34.”  (by Jason upon the death of David Carradine’s character)

Ratings:  Jason ½; Kathy 0.13;  Me…0.0000112  (This movie was so bad it doesn’t even have a poster.)