Neon and Nosedives

Well, we have another dud this week…but first, the movie Netflix made us wait forever to see….

Movie #1: Airport 1975 (1974, with ….my God, everyone!)

This is another one of those “old, aging Hollywood stars need some rent checks, so let’s put ‘em in a low-budget disaster movie and pay ‘em $45.00 a piece.”  You’ve got everybody in the free world and then some in this movie:  Charlton Heston, Sid Caesar, Gloria Swanson, Myrna Loy, Susan Clark, George Kennedy, Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., Erik Estrada, Jerry Stiller (who sleeps the entire time), Helen Reddy (the singing nun), and I don’t know who all.  At least with the sequel, the producers learned a few things since the original Airport released.  They didn’t drag out the movie for hours on end with a bunch of backstory nobody cared about.  Your typical disaster movie, it included the usuals:  freak accident, grisly deaths, screaming women, drinking men, teenage boys looking at the chaos going “Sweet…”, and one sweet, sickly girl lying there in pain (yet still smiling mind you) thinking, “What’s all the hub-bub, bub?  This is nothing!  I’ve just gotten over being possessed by Satan.” (That would be Linda Blair… fresh off the horror flick, The Exorcist.)

Things we liked:  1) Myrna Loy downing Boilermakers like a champ!  “I’ll have a bourbon…with a small beer chaser.”  2) The plane.  Now THIS is how we should travel!  A multi-story plane with a spiral staircase, neon upholstery, and huge-ass seats!  (Not anymore… you’re lucky if you can fly without swallowing your kneecaps after having to parade in front of everyone practically nude without the long-lost amenity of a bag containing 10 rancid peanuts and a half-cup of flat, warm soda.  But I digress….)  3) Gloria Swanson, as Gloria Swanson.  "Forget the jewels, honey.  We have to save my book!"  4) The face.  That’s all I’m going to say.  See below picture.



The Only Way to Fly!



The Face!

 

Ratings:  Jason 3.5; Kathy 2.5; Me 3   (Good solid disaster)

NOTE:  What was annoying was that the poor Air Force major, “the only guy who’s ever done anything like this” can’t get in this huge gaping hole in the cockpit because one hook gets caught on the edge of a piece of equipment.  While on the other hand, Ben Hur does somersaults and crawls into the hole backwards to save the day.  Whatever.

Movie #2:  Dinocroc vs. Supergator (aka “The Dud”)

What is sad about this movie is that, as far as I’m aware, it is probably David Carradine’s final role before his “oddly circumstanced” death in 2009.  “The Dud” was released in 2010.  This is gonna be short—and brutal.  They spent their entire CGI budget on the first 10 minutes of the film (which were pretty good for a cheesy creature feature).  The girls weren’t even pretty although they were obviously supposed to be attractive.  One of the actresses was so harsh it was hard to look at her—think drag queen with WAY too many facelifts.  It wasn’t even interesting enough to follow on the basest of levels, and believe me, we weren’t expecting much to start with!   If this tells you anything... I was literally dozing off on the floor during this movie.

Bottom Line:  If it ain’t a creature feature by The Asylum, then it ain’t good.

Favorite Line:  “Well, he’s dead.  He earned his $53.34.”  (by Jason upon the death of David Carradine’s character)

Ratings:  Jason ½; Kathy 0.13;  Me…0.0000112  (This movie was so bad it doesn’t even have a poster.)

Terror, Boredom, and a touch of Nostalgia

Oh my…where to begin…

Movie #1: Cape Fear (1962, with Gregory Peck, Robert Mitchum, Martin Balsam)

Apparently, we’ve been on a kick lately with the pure evil in these movies of ours.  We continued our harrowing journey into the dark and depraved side of humanity with Cape Fear.  The original.  (The remake was really good though.)  Talk about a revenge story.  If you saw the 1991 remake, then you know the plot already.  Ex-con decides to terrify the lawyer that put him away.  How does he that?  By terrorizing the lawyer and his family—legally!  Max Cady (played by Mitchum) studied law while in the joint to know just how far to take his evil without being forced to do time for it.  Dialogue filled with double meanings and innuendo, stalking that couldn’t be classified as “stalking”, public provocation that was loaded with menace to the lawyer but seemed like normal conversation to everyone else.  As the private investigator pointed out… they could MAYBE bring him in on a count of “lewd vagrancy”—a vague and meaningless charge if I ever heard one.  Cady does nothing that could give legal justification to an arrest, but enough to get the point across to everyone involved that this man was going to get away with it all.  Mitchum just drips with malice and vengeance—yet it is smooth and subtle—which is always the most dangerous kind.  Gregory Peck (the lawyer, Sam Bowden) hatches a last attempt to free his family from this nightmare.

We all agreed that this movie was an emotional roller coaster, and if any of us smoked, we would’ve been reaching for the cigarettes after it was over.  Awesome suspense thriller.

Interesting Trivia:  1) Martin Balsam was also in Psycho as a detective/cop/investigator.  2) Cape Fear is actually named for the Cape Fear River in North Carolina.  Peck as producer selected the name because he disliked the original title The Executioners.  3) Although named for our Cape Fear River, the movie was filmed in Georgia and although it doesn’t say, tries to pass for Savannah.  4) The Cape Fear River is mentioned once in the movie by Peck.  5) Peck, Mitchum, and Balsam all appeared in the 1991 remake of this same movie.

Ratings:  Jason and Kathy each gave it a 4.  Me—4.5

Movie #2: Possessed (1947, with Joan Crawford, Van Heflin, Raymond Massey)

The “Fatal Attraction” of the 1940s.

Let me preface this by saying we were supposed to have gotten Airport 1975 for this week.  We wanted a little “light entertainment” after all the dramas we’ve been watching. My lord I wish they’d sent Airport 1975.  Boo, Netflix, Boooooo!

This is perhaps one of the worst movies we’ve seen.  It even rivals The Swarm for worst movie ever.  Most of the time with Joan Crawford movies, she’s at least slapping somebody around a good majority of the time.  Not this movie.  For someone who is supposed to be psychotic with a split personality, she sure is a tame, unassuming character.  Let’s compare, shall we?

Joan Crawford in Possessed                                                                          
*Asexual (barely embraces or kisses her lover or her husband)                                                                                   
 *Just gives up when dumped by her lover         
 *Tries to befriend the rival (her step-daughter!)   
 *Lets the lover just come and go in her life as he pleases                              
 *Harms no animals                                                                                        

Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction

 *Overtly passionate (exhibitionist & never wears bras)
 *Stalks her lover once he dumps her

 *Kidnaps lover’s daughter and stabs her rival

                        * Melts lover's car with acid and slits  wrists for attention

 *Boils fluffy family bunny

Joan Crawford is “obsessively in love” with Van Heflin’s character, David.  He dumps her.  Working as an in-home nurse, she marries her employer when the wife dies (under mysterious circumstances…which are never made clear at all.  Did she kill her?  Did she not?  We don’t know, and this movie is so boring we didn’t care.).  Joan’s new step-daughter develops a relationship with the beloved David, and they get engaged.  She does end up killing David in the end… but even that was kind of “Eh? Who cares?”  The movie is told through flashback as Joan relays her story to doctors in a Los Angeles psych ward.  We find out through the movie that Joan is from Washington.  We assume D.C.  This movie just drags and drags and drags.  Maybe it was a mock-up for terrorist torture practices.  I know I would’ve talked… spilled national secrets I did know and a few that I didn’t if they would just end that movie.  This is anything but suspenseful. 

Ratings:  Jason—1; Me—1; Kathy—.5.   We were all complaining… the whole time.

Favorite lines: 

         *”Take her to Psycho”   (We thought that was pretty funny.  Wish it had been Psycho, Norman woulda straightened out that mess of a movie)

        * “20 so far today… 1 manic, 3 seniles, 6 alcoholics, and 10 schizos”    (California—Land of the Fruits and the Nuts, as my daddy says.  They should’ve used some of those folks in the movie to at least make it interesting.)

   

·          “How the hell did Joan Crawford end up in Los Angeles in the Psycho ward when she shot Van Heflin in Washington, DC?”    (Kathy’s text to me in the middle of the night because it never explained how she got to be roaming delirious in Los Angeles.  I don’t know, Kathy… How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?…The world will never know.)               

·         “If I wanted to watch THAT, I’d have watched something else!”  (Jason’s comment about the 6 minute piano recital in the middle of the movie… although this is pretty much our consensus regarding this entire movie.)

Movie Nuts Bonus:  Gone with the Wind (1939, with Clark Gable, Vivian Leigh, etc, etc.)

I won’t talk plot on this one because everyone knows it.  Jason just got this fabulous classic on Blu-Ray, so we had a screening Friday night.  My sister even joined us on this one (she said “I’ll come… it’s not one of ya’ll’s weird movies.”).   We indulged in a BBQ feast from Parker’s:  Here a hushpuppy, there a hushpuppy, everywhere a hushpuppy!   This is one of the most classic Hollywood movies.  Memorable characters.  Gorgeous costumes.  Unforgettable dialogue.  Superb acting. 

As most folks know and have seen this movie, I’d like to offer you something we came up with while watching:

Alternative Endings:  We feel poor Scarlett and Rhett endure nothing but tragedy the last half of the movie, and wouldn’t it be nice, if just once, the movie ended before all that.

      Ending #1:  The movie could end at the intermission.  That silhouette shot against the sunrise “I’ll never be hungry again!” moment just is filled with so much determination and pluck (and relief at being home… at Tara) that you can imagine the better days to come.

      Ending #2 (my personal favorite):  After Scarlett and Rhett get married.  They return to Tara and are walking the grounds.  He gives permission to return Tara to its former glory.  They’re happy, and she beams up at him saying, “I want to make everyone who’s been mean to me to be pea-green with envy!”   She’s endured some tribulations.  They’ve come through the war.  She and Rhett are together.  The future looks bright. And they’re happy…with life…with each other.

...."Oh Mr. Rhett. You IS bad..."   How right you are Mammy.  How right you are.  ;-)  Swoon!



Blondes, Butcherings, & Bunnies

2 movies separated by 43 years.  What do they have in common—blonde bombshells with evil lurking in their hearts…

Movie #1:  Double Indemnity (1944 by Billy Wilder, with Barbara Stanwyck, Fred McMurray,

and Edward G. Robinson)

“How could I know that murder sometimes smells of honeysuckle?”

You know we love old movies.  This is perhaps one of the best that we’ve seen.  Absolutely phenomenal.  Obsession…intrigue…betrayal…greed…murder.  All the best plot movers for a story.  Fred McMurray plays a young, handsome insurance salesman that falls for a seductive and sympathetic Barbara Stanwyck.  Together, they hatch a plot to off her husband and collect handsomely on the insurance.  The kicker:  since McMurray knows the tricks of the trade, he knows how to fake the death in order to double the insurance payout—The Double Indemnity Clause.  Fred McMurray and Barbara Stanwyck’s chemistry in this movie is explosive.  It’s sexy.  It’s subtle.  It’s a little sarcastic.  It’s classy. Their verbal exchanges are delivered flawlessly with a wealth of innuendo and snap.  I’m not giving away the end because you need to see this movie.  The whole thing is done through flashback as McMurray is telling what happened.

Things we loved:  1) Edward G. Robinson’s portrayal of McMurray’s boss, Keyes.  Typically the gangster, it’s a departure from what you know him as.  2) Fred McMurray’s infatuation with Barbara’s anklet.  3) The opening credits.  At first, the visual doesn’t make sense to you, but as the story unfolds later, you realize what you were watching as the film opened.  4) This is all me—Barbara Stanwyck’s ring.   Again… it’s a whopper!  I never stop the movie to take a picture (that’s Jason and Kathy’s M.O.), but I HAD to have a picture of that ring.  I.  Want. It.

See!  Look at that rock!

Ratings:  5’s all around.  Hands down.

Movie #2: Fatal Attraction (1987, with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas)

To quote Sheldon from an episode of The Big Bang Theory…”Bitches be crazy.”

**Spoilers Alert. If you haven’t watched this, I am revealing plot items… read at your own risk.

To preface, I myself had never seen this movie before.  I’d heard a lot about it and seen a lot of screen shots and clips, but I’d never watched the whole thing.  This woman was like a female version of Norman Bates.  The short end of the story is that Michael Douglas (Kathy and I agree that he’s sleezy) and Glenn Close have an affair while his wife is away for the weekend.  Then…it all goes to the nut-farm.  Stalking, ceaseless phone calls, visits to his office, declarations of love (and she’s only known him for 3 days!).  She meets his wife, tells him she’s pregnant (I still don’t buy that… I think that was a ploy.), pours acid on his car, kidnaps his daughter.  All kinds of crazy.  And this guy thinks that saying “Let’s just be friends” is gonna get rid of her.  Moron.  I was also disturbed by the fact that she willingly chose to live in the middle of a slaughterhouse—that should say something…  

Sidebar:  People Unite for Bunnies.  If you’ll remember a couple weeks ago, one of the Shelley Winters movies featured a psychotic massacre of several poor bunnies.  Well, here we go again. The woman boils the poor daughter’s little bunny… name of Whitney.  (After Whitney Houston maybe????)   Is there a medical link between being a psychopath and the need to horrendously murder little fluffy bunnies?  Has this been researched?  Is there a pattern?  Do they prefer bunnies to all other animals?  Do fluffy bunnies have a significance to psychopaths?  What is the psychopath to bunny-cide ratio?  Can it be stopped?  We must save the bunnies.

Things that annoyed me:  1) She always wore white.  The appearance of an angel but the depravity of all the demons of hell (maybe that was the point, but it still annoyed me).  2) Her hair.  A messy rats’ nest of 80s spiral perm.  (I love me some big hair—just ask my sister—but I wanted to take the scissors to her head.)  3) Michael Douglas not getting out of the tub immediately when he thought he had drowned her… you KNEW she won’t dead…. Evil don’t die that easily.  Get Out of the Tub, Moron!  4) He never went to the cops and got a restraining order!  After the first few days, he should’ve had her arrested for harassment and stalking!  It was so obvious.  That one act could’ve saved the bunny.  He could’ve saved the bunny.

Ratings:  We all gave it a 4.  It was really well done, and I can imagine when it was first released it was shocking and revolutionary.

Moral of the story:  Don’t have an affair.  But if you must, and they turn out psycho, first of all CALL THE COPS and second TELL THE SPOUSE.  I can tell you…. Your spouse would rather be hurt and mad over the affair than dead from being butchered by a psychopath and have no clue said psychopath was stalking the family.  Hurt and Mad goes away with time…Dead is forever.  (I’m just saying….)

Special Treat!  We’ve having a special movie night extra this week!  Tomorrow we’re watching Gone with the Wind on Blue-Ray.  So stay tuned….. “After all…. Tomorrow IS another day.” 

**No fluffy bunnies were harmed or massacred during the writing of this blog.  All incorrect grammar is for dramatic emphasis only. Any resemblance or reference to psychopaths real or imagined is unintentional and not the responsibility of this blogger.



Evil is Among Us!

Busy, crazy week!  But finally able to dish about our movies this week….

Movie #1:  Sorry, Wrong Number (1948, with Barbara Stanwyck and Burt Lancaster)

Take one spoiled, attention-hungry, melodramatic, hypochondriac  heiress.  Yank one good-looking, prideful working man from the slums, marry him to the heiress, and thrust him suddenly into Chicago’s high society.  Throw into this mix the overprotective, condescending drug-tycoon father. Meeting of the minds?  No way.  Joining of two lives?  Not happening.   Happily ever after?  Ha!   You end up with a woman so desperate for attention that she fakes heart attacks to manipulate the men in her life to do what she wants.  The decent, humble husband becomes so consumed with his new rich life he convinces an innocent, non-descript company chemist into setting up an illegal drug-trafficking enterprise backed by unsavory mob-like characters.  And the father—he’s completely clueless, living up life with parties and buxom blonde bimbos.  Throw in an ultimatum from the mobsters, a contract hit on the wife for money, and a determined, young District Attorney seeking to make a name for himself by busting the drug-traffickers. The conclusion—a suspenseful and regrettable ending that cannot be stopped.

Things we liked:  1) The fact that most of this story took place on the phone—not knowing the people on the other end, half-heard conversations—genius directing maneuver.  2)  Barbara Stanwyck’s wardrobe—she had some of the most beautiful clothes in this movie.  3)  The cinematography—we love black & white movies because the shots are just great.  Light, dark, the play of shadows…there is just something instinctually eerie and primal with those shadow shots.  4) Barbara Stanwyck’s performance—she was fabulous in this role.  5) Her ring (see picture above)--I want that ring!  It'd look great on my hand.  Seriously.  I want it.

Ratings:  Jason 3.5; Kathy 3.5; Me 3.5   (good solid movie)

Movie #2:  The Hand that Rocks the Cradle (1992, with Rebecca de Mornay, Annabella Sciorra, Matt McCoy, Keith Hudson)

The nanny movie to end all nanny movies!

Okay, this is a repeat for all three of us, as we’ve each seen it before.  However, we were discussing great movies some time ago, and this one came certainly came up. Rebecca de Mornay is just pure evil.  Pure evil.  And to contrast her evil, Keith Hudson's performance in this movie is really great.  A total departure from his typical character roles. He really made you sympathetic for Solomon and had you pulling for him throughout the movie. Regular readers know I like to put in a synopsis with a lot of the older movies because many folks haven’t seen them, let alone heard of them.  This movie, however, I will not synopsize because most folks have seen it or know of it, and secondly, if you haven’t seen it, I can’t give anything away to you—it would ruin it.  For the sake of the blog though, a few “morals of the story” courtesy of this movie:

1.       If you are a woman watching this, you will forever be in mortal dread of going to your OB/GYN (as if that yearly visit weren’t bad enough on its own).

2.       Don’t marry a schmuck—if he’s a dud/idiot/moron/weakling on a regular day, then when the “shitake mushrooms” hit that proverbial fan, you can forget getting any help from him.

3.       Do not dismiss the mentally disabled in your community—they’re actually smarter than you are most of the time, you self-righteous know-it-all.

4.       Always check your references.  If the potential hire gives you a prepared letter, call the freaking people and verify.  ALWAYS. CHECK. THE. REFERENCES.

5.       Do NOT hire a nanny—just raise the dang kid yourself…unless you want to lose friends, alienate your husband, and cause irreparable damage to your children emotionally and mentally….

6.       For the love of humanity—throw away the “mom jeans”!

Ratings:  Jason 4; Kathy 3.5; Me 4   

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Dancers, Orphans, and Crack-pot Murderers

Another scorcher this week.  Good thing you can watch movies in the air conditioning….  And that Jet’s Pizza delivers….

Movie #1:  What’s the Matter with Helen (1971, with Shelley Winters, Debbie Reynolds)

“A musical-horror-melodrama-satire-love story”….as described on the DVD box.  It was certainly all of those things.  Boy, this movie was chock full of just weirdness…murder, fake identities, co-dependency, religious fanaticism, and…. What we believe may have been (& we’re not sure whether intentionally done or not)… some underlying homoeroticism…   The basic plot is that these seemingly normal Midwestern mothers decide to move to California after their sons are imprisoned for murder.  They assume fake names to avoid discovery.  Helen (Winters) and Adelle (Reynolds… and for the record, Kathy always pronounces this “A”-delle, which is really rather Southern for an upstate New York born and bred Yankee transplant….)  open a dance studio which Adelle, the more stable of the 2 women, runs.  The movie progresses through Adelle finding love again and Helen spiraling further and further down the religious fanatic rabbit-hole.   It ends with a large-scale back yard bunny massacre, a dead Adelle, and Helen feverishly playing a recital as her mind completely vanishes into the ether of madness.

Things we loved:  Debbie Reynolds’ costumes (particularly her shorts, they were cute!);  Agnes Moorehead’s cameo as the fervent evangelist Sister Alma… give her a donation and “Youth shall be yours forever”.

Favorite Quotes:  “She’s a small but horrendous creature!”  spoken by the elocution tutor about one of the studio’s child pupils.       “There it was…my one big moment…all bitched up!” spoken by Debbie Reynolds after Helen ruined the recital with her hysterical screaming         “I’m going to make love to this pizza!”  spoken by Jason about the delivery of our cheesy, deep dish Jet’s Pizza order

Ratings:  Jason 4; Kathy 3; Me…3

Movie #2:  Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?”  (1972, with Shelley Winters, Ralph Richardson, Lionel Jeffries)

Otherwise known as… “The 1.5 hours of my life I will never get back…”

Okay… it’s been solidified amongst our group that in later years, Shelley Winters was type-cast as the maniacal crack-pot.  This is no exception.  In a very loosely adapted Hansel & Gretel-esque story, Auntie Roo is a definitive nut-job who hides her mummified daughter’s corpse in a secret room behind a paneled mirror (Phantom of the Opera, anyone????), has a barn full of odd magician’s contraptions, including a working guillotine,  which belonged to her husband whom no one has seen in ages—just vanished (perhaps that was his way of “going out for cigarettes and never coming back”), and hosts a creepy overnight Christmas party for a select number of the neighboring orphans.  You guessed it—2 of the orphans are Hansel & Gretel and Auntie Roo is the witch. 

Of the 2 movies, at least the first one had some musical numbers to keep it lively, and we could get our fill of eye candy with a very attractive Dennis Weaver (for those of you young folks… he played this loveable deputy with  a limp in an old black & white Western show called Gunsmoke).  This movie, on the other hand…. Has no redeeming qualities.  The Hansel & Gretel adaptation is a stringy one that doesn’t seem to fit the period or the setting… it just doesn’t mesh well.  Also… we really weren’t interested by anything in it.  The children were annoying.  The séances were laughable because you guessed right off the bat that it was all fake.  We all figured this movie out within 10 minutes and then had to spend the other hour and 20 minutes going “Why are we watching this again….?????” 

Things we loved:  NOTHING

Most Disturbing Moment (at least for me):  Towards the end...Auntie Roo goes to cup her dead daughter's cheek and the face just collapses inward into a pile of dust... no more face.  That skeeved (Is "skeeved" a word?  If not, it is now...)  That skeeved me out.  EW. 

Favorite Quotes:  “I wish she had at least eaten the kids… “  spoken by Kathy at the end

Ratings:  Jason 1.5; Kathy ½; Me  1    (Jason only gave 1.5 because Shelley Winters plays crack-pot REALLY well…..  which leaves me wondering about her actual mental wellness…. Just saying…)

Final thoughts:  I wish whoever slew Auntie Roo had done it before they filmed this movie…

***NOTES: 

1.       As What's the Matter with Helen? was filmed in 1971, I’m not sure about the “no animals were harmed during the filming of this motion picture” status… we are just hopefully assuming that the backyard bunny massacre was done with stuffed bunnies and the torrents of bunny blood were actually glossy red nail polish…. Or something.

2.       We were about to declare Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?  the worst movie ever.  However, to be fair, I asked that we vote by comparison.  Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?  or  The Swarm.  We unanimously still feel that The Swarm is the suckiest movie to date.  (Sorry, Michael Caine…but we still love you!)

3.       When you buy a DVD combo pack that declares “Midnight Movies” as the selling point of the combo pack…that just means that these movies are so bad the tv stations would rather air infomercials for overly emotional, ever perky, uber annoying Richard Simmons, some Japanese knife set you know the Japanese did not actually make, and skincare regimens made of some miraculous melon extract that will make your face look like a baby’s butt (yet all the melons in the grocery store look like shriveled up old prunes after about 3 days off the shipping truck from Peru).  Yes… that DVD combo pack is that bad…back away….back away slowly….