Evil Queens and Freaks

Well, after going “out to the movies” the last couple weeks, we finally were back to our normal routine at Jason’s.  Clemmie was thrilled to see us and was a happy little sweetie the whole night. We watched two very different movies last night. 

Movie 1:  Mirror, Mirror (2012, with Julia Roberts, Nathan Lane, Army Hammer)

This movie is simply one of the most visually stunning pieces I’ve seen.  It is full of vivid color, extremely outrageous costumes, and interesting setting concepts.  It’s your typical Snow White story.  Couple of variations:  Snow White trains as one of the dwarves’ “ring of bandits”; Snow White “rescues” the prince several times; and perhaps the most interesting variation—the Queen walks through the mirror, emerges from water, and enters this thatched hut where she is forced to do her magic as a reflection of herself.  There are a couple other variations that would give too much away if I discuss them, so to respect anyone’s wish to see this, I won’t spoil it.  Voodoo marionettes, a chess game played with live court members as the pieces—each one wearing a ship on their head that blasts cannons into the others as they’re “captured”, a weird “beauty ritual” using all grades of nasty insects, and a mythical beast.  This movie works in a lot of stuff!  Jason and Kathy liked it far more than Snow White and the Huntsman (we’re still divided on that one).  They definitely thought the casting was better as well as the overall story.  I myself am not going to compare this one with the other one because they’re two totally different styles of story-telling.  However, I did enjoy this one a lot and thought it was good.

Things we liked:  Nathan Lane’s role as Brighton, the long-suffering personal assistant to the Queen; the costumes!  Done by a famous Japanese costumer, unfortunately she died just after this movie; the Bollywood-style music video shown during the credits.

Favorite Line:  “Love is someone passing the potatoes.”  Spoken by dwarf named Grub when he wanted potatoes and everyone else was too busy discussing Snow White’s love life.  I totally agree, Grub!

Ratings:  Kathy gave Mirror, Mirror 3 stars; Jason and I both give it a 3.5

Movie 2:  Freaks! (1932, with Wallace Ford, Leila Hyams, and Olga Baclanova)

“We didn’t lie to you folks, we’ve got real, live monstrosities.”

The synopsis for this film states “fictional film based on true life experiences of circus sideshow performers.”  According to IMDB, the general public was not very exposed to the sight of humans that had deformities or other “unsightly” defects or medical conditions during the 1930s and so this movie was an attempt to cash in on the popular trend of horror and “monster” movies at the time.  The “actors” in this movie are actual sideshow performers, which explains the lack of acting technique.  The basic premise of the movie is this beautiful trapeze artist tricks a “little person” named Hans into marrying her.  (She really only wants his inheritance.)  Throughout the movie (which is only an hour!), you see the relationships between all the circus performers, and the “freaks” exhibit their bizarre talents.  Kathy was really “freaked out” (pun intended) by the “worm man”, while I was disturbed by the woman that had no arms and had to use her feet to do everything.  Perhaps the most intriguing “freak” was the “half boy”.  He was only a head, arms, and torso.  There were no legs, no butt, no hips.  I couldn’t figure out how on earth the poor man was living!  I mean, it didn’t look like there was enough room for all your vital internal organs…I mean just the physics of it baffled me to no end.  Not to give away much of the choice plot points, the movie seems to intend to portray “normally-shaped humans” as the true monsters (because of the cruelty we can inflict), not those who had the misfortune of being physically different.   Jason and I were left feeling a little anti-climactic.  I suppose that’s due to the “hype” of this being a horror film and so controversial, etc etc.  We’re now so desensitized as a society that if it doesn’t have blood, guts, gore, and sawed-up people we’re not horrified.  I think if I had been living in 1932 and seen this movie, it would possibly have been disturbing—not terrifying—but disturbing in the knowledge that poor souls like that existed and the awful treatment they were handed.  There is a twist at the end, which I will NOT reveal on the chance any of you watch it.  But you will sit there going “…. What????....”

Favorite Line:  “It is only you should be happy, I want.”    Said by Freida (dwarf who is engaged to Hans) when she lets him go to be with the trapeze artist.   I swear this is the inception of “Yoda-speak”.

Problem with the movie:  You can NOT understand a lot of the dialogue because a lot of these folks are from different countries, etc., and the accents are so thick.  Subtitles or dubbing would have REALLY helped.

Our Favorite Freaks:  Jason really liked the Worm Man; Kathy loved the woman with no arms; and I had to pick the “Living Torso” (he was really dubbed that in the credits).

Ratings:  Jason gave it 1 star.  Kathy was unable to rate this one as she really didn’t know how to given the nature of the movie.  Me—2 stars?  Maybe?  And only that because it is a singularly unique movie.

We Love Rock-n-Roll

We went “out” to the movies again this week.  We’ve been looking forward to the release of this week’s movie for months!  We love musicals.  We love the ‘80s.  We love goofing off and having fun.  This had the potential to be a great night….

Movie:  Rock of Ages (2012, with Tom Cruise, Julianne Hough, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand)

… and it WAS!  There was head banging.  There was dancing.  There was singing.  And that was all just me, Jason, and Kathy! 

I know most of the critics kind of panned this movie.  I tend not to listen to critics because they view everything as if it were up for an Oscar nom.  Remember blog folks—we don’t judge movies like the critics do.  We actually judge the movies based on what they’re intended to be.  This movie is based on a rock musical.  It glorifies the seedy, glamorous world that is rock-n-roll music of the ‘80s.  It’s supposed to be cheesy.  It’s supposed to be predictable.  It’s supposed to be over the top.   Did it achieve what it set out to do???  Hell, yes!

Picture it:  1987.  Los Angeles.  Local dive rock bar called the Bourbon Room.  Big hair. Brash clothes.  Even bigger attitudes.  Tons of hairspray. The plot’s pretty predictable and over-used:  small-town girl from Midwest (it’s always the Midwest in these movies…. Seems like nobody every wants to live there.  They’re always leaving for the “bright lights, big city”…. But I digress…)  So.  Small-town girl from Midwest takes a bus to LA to seek fame and fortune and LOVE.  She starts out as a waitress… ends up as an exotic dancer (typical) but ends up with the guy in the end.  (I’m not giving anything away folks; you’ve all seen this plotline a million times.)  Meanwhile, back at the rock bar, you have humble, aging rocker Alec Baldwin trying to save his bar from repossession and the wolf (this time embodied by Catherine Zeta-Jones) beating down the door.  I totally bought Alec Baldwin as the bar owner.  He didn’t look like “Alec Baldwin” at all.   And sub-sub-plot, disillusioned rocker Stacee Jax is trying to find meaning in his stoned and drunken existence.  I’ve never been a real Tom Cruise fan myself… but we all three agreed he was pretty awesome in this role.  And Russell Brand can sing—go figure?!   (Better look out Katy Perry… he just might turn around and sing a song on the radio about YOU!)

The one negative in this movie:  Julianne Hough.  She was too sweet.  The thing we hated most about her in this role is that her voice was too weak, too high, and too syrupy to pull off singing rock anthems.  She sounded like a little girl.  And of course Kathy bestowed upon Julianne the title of “drip-lip”.  Jason and I were also bothered by the fact that everything else in this movie was spot-on ‘80s except her hair.  It’s like Julianne was too good to “jack it up to Jesus”.  It’s the ‘80s—break out that damn teasing comb and Aqua Net your hair ‘til the ozone layer is gone, girl!

Things We Loved: “Hey Man” (Stacee Jax’s monkey); Mary J Blige’s cameo appearance—now you wanna talk about a solid voice!; I won’t tell what the scene is for those of you going to watch but just be on the lookout for R.E.O. Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling”—hilarious!; the music—the best rock anthems in music history (when you watch, don’t turn your nose up because it’s not the original voices for these songs… the actors do a great job of singing).

Comedy Moment: Julianne’s love-interest is prepping for his date and the Hispanic cook (or some other form of bar employee) startles him and Drew shouts “Jesus!”  The cook immediately replies:  “No, I’m Chico.  Jesus is my brother.”       Kathy and I died over that.  It was great!

Ratings:  We ALL 3 gave Rock of Ages a solid 4 stars!  It would’ve been 5 if anyone else besides Julianne Hough had played the lead girl.  It did what it set out to do.  The performances were great.  We laughed and sang for 2 solid hours.  It is a truly entertaining movie.  

Invention of a Plan:  I’m trying to talk Jason into being Stacee Jax for Halloween!!!  I think it’d be great!  He’s skinny (makes me sick) so he’d do good without a shirt.  Paint on some tattoos.  Get a weave.  It’d be awesome!!! 

God I miss the days of outrageous clothes, weird makeup, and humongous hair.  I really do.  We’re all so visually boring now, and everybody looks exactly the same.  I’m off to find my old crimping iron and wipe the dust off it!

The Return of J.R.!!!!!!

At long last!  After months and months and months of waiting….TNT has revived the popularly decadent and scandalous night-time soap opera, DALLAS!  We are huge fans of the show and even bigger fans of JR.  We decided to forego movie watching this week in order to celebrate the summer premiere of TNT’s DALLAS.

Our celebration included a hearty dinner of barbecued ribs, potato salad, green beans, and biscuits—a real, Texan-sized, stick-to-your-ribs, keep-your-napkin-under-your-biscuit-to-catch-the-dripping-butter, where-are-the-wet-wipes-this-sauce-is-everywhere, meal.  We gathered together at 7pm—2 hours before the premiere.  We relived the greatest moments of DALLAS history by watching the 2004 CBS Reunion Special for DALLAS.  We got to see awesome bloopers, outtakes, the top 10 DALLAS cliffhangers (Who Shot J.R. was #1----DUH!)   It was a great production, actually, and we were constantly laughing at Larry Hagman’s behind the scenes antics---who knew he was so funny!!??

At 9pm, the pilot episode of the new DALLAS hit the screens.  There’s a lot going for it…. Not the least of which are the hotties playing Christopher (Bobby and Pam’s adopted son) and John Ross (J.R. and Sue Ellen’s son).  Filmed primarily on location in Texas (a plus that the original series didn’t have), the setting is awesome and expansive.  Southfork is still beautiful (Jason’s mantra of the night was “I’m going inside that house before I die.”).  The new series is not a “re-do” of the original—that would never fly with DALLAS fans.  I mean, who else could EVER be J.R.????  Larry Hagman is J.R., and only Larry Hagman.  Period.  The fat lady has sung.  Instead, the new series is what I like to term:  “DALLAS:  THE NEXT GENERATION”.  Bobby, Sue Ellen, and  J.R. are back, older of course, but still worried with the quest for power, money, and control of Southfork.  The crux of the show this time is the story of the Ewing children:  John Ross and Christopher.  Love triangles, backstabbing, manipulation, jealousy, self-importance…. Yep, the apples haven’t fallen far from the trees….but then…. It wouldn’t be DALLAS otherwise!  For those of you that are waiting to watch the first 2 episodes on your DVR, I’m not going to reveal anything because there are a ton of “WHAT?!” and “OH MY GOD?!?” moments already in the first 2 hours.  However, I will give you a few tidbits to whet your appetite:

·         Feuds (this is bigger than the Hatfields and McCoys, folks—pay close attention)

*Bobby vs. J.R.  (Still! After all these years!)

*John Ross vs. Christopher

*John Ross vs. Bobby (Mrs. Ellie’s demand for no drilling on Southfork is paramount)

*John Ross vs. J.R.  (Oh yes!)

*Bobby vs. Christopher  (would seem unlikely, but I swear this is gonna happen over the

                potential sale of Southfork)

*Sue Ellen vs. _______   (with her political aspirations I believe she’ll, in the end, be at 

                war with everyone)

*Elena vs. Rebecca  (fighting for the love of Christopher… with a twist on Rebecca’s end…

                but I'm not spoiling that for folks that haven’t watched yet)

                                                and in the future….

*Ann vs. Pamela  (now, no one has said that Victoria Principle is coming back to the show, but Jason and I feel it’s pretty likely.  Pam and Bobby belong together, and if they’ll pull that stupid “this was all a dream” shower scene to bring Bobby back from the dead in the original, they’ll bring Pam back…especially since she was never TRULY declared dead….)

·         Things We Loved:

*THEME SONG:  the BEST theme music for a tv show, EVER.  EVER.  So happy they kept the

                opening credits exactly the same!

*Blasts from the Past:  Ray and Lucy show up to the wedding!!!!  (Steve Kanaly and Charlene

                Tilton)   Always loved them, and I think they’ll continue to pop up as the season

                progresses.  If you’d seen the look on Lucy’s face when Bobby talks about 

                potentially selling Southfork, you’d agree with me.

*J.R.:  The man is 80, but he’s still got it.  He is just as manipulative, just as conniving, just 

              as  scheming as he ever was.  You wonder there in the beginning, but boy you know

 without a shadow of a doubt by the end.  He’s back, and back with a vengeance.  

 Not to mention those eyebrows….they’re like devil’s horns!

*One-liners:  The writers had some great dialogue.  There were constantly little quips and 

gems from J.R. and Bobby (and the others) that just really nailed that DALLAS tongue-

in-cheek, double-meaning, counter-purpose dialogue.

·         House Divided (again):

During the Reunion Special, we were talking about our favorite moments and characters from the original series, and we found out we disagreed about one:  Mrs. Ellie!  Jason and I loved her.  Kathy didn’t care for her at all.  (We did all agree though that the one season Donna Reed stood in for Barbara Bel Geddes, Donna Reed sucked!)

·         Favorite Line of the Night:

There were a lot of good ones, really.  But my absolute favorite was towards the end of the 2^nd hour, and it was more about the timing of the line, and Kathy’s response:

                J.R. has gone to Mexico to see a man about a deal he’s making.  As J.R. walks up to this Mexican hacienda, he has a voice-over that says:   “There’s an old Mexican saying that “it’s better to be old than to be the devil…”

                Kathy immediately replies:  “Unless you’re old AND the devil….”

Ratings:  I did not ask my counterparts their comments or their ratings.  I feel it’s a little early to decide.  I feel we are slightly divided at the moment based on our reactions.  Jason and I, I think, are excited and really enjoying it so far.  Kathy, I think, feels there’s a little something missing as compared with the original, but, I think, she likes it ok…    We do all agree, however, that if this were coming on without some of the original cast (especially Bobby and J.R.) and all that history, we probably wouldn’t be too enthused.  I mean, let’s face it, J.R. IS DALLAS, and without him, it just would NOT be the same.  After we’ve seen more of the season, we’ll revisit this and give a rating.

LONG LIVE DALLAS!

A House Divided

This week we decided to go out to the movies again.  We were a merry little band of customers with a total group of 5!  Usually we concur on movies; however this time, we are definitely a house divided.  As an Equal Opportunity Opinion blog, I’m including everyone’s thoughts.  You all can read our thoughts, see the movie, and draw your own conclusions.

Movie:  Snow White and the Huntsman (2012, with Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth)

House of Criticism:  Jason and Kathy both gave this movie 2 stars.  They were not impressed.  They both emailed me some of their thoughts this morning, and here’s what they said:

·         Lacked character development.  Jason felt he could not sympathize with Snow White and was unmoved by Kristen Stewart’s performance.  He also thought that Charlize Theron’s “soft beauty” distracted from the fact that she was supposed to be evil.  Kathy thought casting would have been better if Kristen and Charlize had swapped roles.  Kathy also did not care for the accent and voice Charlize Theron used in this role.

·         Stylistically great, plot lack-luster.  Jason and Kathy both felt as if “everyone was dressed up with nowhere to go”.  The movie looked great—they liked the costumes, setting, and effects, but they felt that the plot had no drive or substance.  They also thought the strange, mythical creatures in the forests were just points to “show off”.

·         They thought the movie dragged in places—especially with the dwarves around the campfire.  Jason also felt there wasn't really anything original or different in the movie.

·         Both agreed Chris Hemsworth was hunky and did a great job as the Hunstman.

·         Kathy was upset that Snow White and the Huntsman didn’t make out.  She thought that for an adult fairy tale, somebody should have been making out.

• Kathy did admit it was at least better than Dark Shadows.  (Again Johnny, I'm sorry.)

House of Literary Genius:  I give this movie 4 stars.  I really liked it.  I will say… I like a lot of things that many people don’t.  And there’ve been movies Jason and Kathy really liked that I hated. To appreciate this movie, I think you have to look beyond the screen surface.

·         Cinematic beauty:  This movie is absolutely gorgeous.  It’s stunning and beautiful to look at.  For a “fairy tale”, it was different.  It was dark—as the original Grimm stories were.  Very gothic, foreboding, and ethereal. The costumes were great—and I thought very appropriate to the style of the movie.

·         Interesting effects:  I LOVED the way they portrayed the mirror in this movie.  I also liked the dark army which was made of iron.  Cold, hard, dark, brittle---it reflects the soul of Queen Ravena.  I also loved that they used lots of ravens—when you saw the queen, she was surrounded by ravens.  She, by her essence, is a scavenger and harbinger of doom, so the raven is very symbolic of that.

·         Allegorical symbols:  Jason thought the queen should’ve been a more “dark beauty”—harsh in her attractiveness.  I have to disagree, and this is why—the most treacherous evil, the most seductive danger is that which is undetectable, alluring, that which appears virtuous.  We succumb to that evil because we can not believe such beauty IS evil.  If she were not a “soft beauty”, she’d never have entrapped the souls of men and stolen the beauty and youth of women.   There’s also, I feel (and this may be just based on my personal faith) a lot of religious overtones and symbols in this movie.  The white stallion that provides escape for Snow White, the white stag in the Fairy Glen that blesses Snow White—light overcoming dark, good overcoming evil.  Traveling through the threatening Dark Forest and then finding sanctuary in the Fairy Glen.  Also, when Snow White gathers the army to defeat Queen Ravena, she, to me, looked very much like Joan of Arc, armored and riding into battle to destroy evil.

·         Goes beyond Disney:  Snow White is not just the damsel in distress to be rescued by a prince.  She comes into her identity as a strong royal heir and goes after the queen herself.  She becomes the warrior.  Great anti-Disney point: The prince is the not the hero--or the love interest. The kiss of true love:  I loved that scene.  The Huntsman makes his touching soliloquy to Snow White, kisses her goodbye, and walks away.  Her awakening is slow and begins with tears on her cheeks.  I thought it was beautiful—and definitely original.  He doesn’t know he brought her back to life.  Yet…

So there’s the good and the bad.  But as I like to say…everyone has different tastes.  Don’t take our words for it… see it yourself and decide.  I leave you with a moment of comedy from the showing:

                Kathy:   “The Huntsman is hot.  I’ll take him.”

                Me:  “I like the Huntsman too!”

                Kathy:  “You can have William.”

                Me:  (giving a thumbs down) “But I don’t like William!”

                Kathy:  “So.....you can have William!”

Danger in the Skies!

Well, we decided to take our movie adventure "above ground" this week.

Movie #1:  Airport (1970, George Seaton, with Barbara Hale, Dean Martin, Burt Lancaster)

Kathy informed us that this is the "disaster movie that started it all".  Jason and I noted that it was an hour and a half of backstory for a 10 minute "disaster".  And in the end all that backstory really didn't have anything to do with the disaster!  Lots of famous celebrities who needed a little money for the bank. 

What we loved:  Mrs. Quonsett, the little old lady "stowaway", George Kennedy's cigar chomping

Ratings:  Kathy:  3, Jason 2.5, Me...an "Eh!"



Movie #2:  Air Collision (2012, The Asylum, with Reginald VelJohnson, Jordan Ladd)
       What would happen...if air traffic control was done solely by computers, those computers went rogue, and Air Force One was on a collision course with a passenger jet.....
Now we're talking!
Now THIS is a disaster movie!  Produced by our favorite cheesy movie company, The Asylum, it is completely over the top!  First, your 90s has-been of the week--Da dada da!!!!!!!!!  Reginald VelJohnson--the father on Family Matters.  Whereas our first movie was nothing but backstory, this one was nothing but effects and melodramatic acting.  Kathy and Jason were continually bemused by the "plot".  I don't know why or how I was able to piece it together....mysteries will abound I suppose...  

Things we were confused by:  why the computers went rogue in the first place; why on the passenger jet the Asian pilot had an African-American name and why the African-American pilot had an Asian name; why did Air Force One have an "upstairs"  (does the real Air Force One really have an "upstairs", and if so... are my taxdollars paying for that.... I could use that money to get decent brakes on my car....but I digress...)

Big explosions! Lots of death (in various manners, including foaming at the mouth)! Panic! Hysteria! And at the end.... the black pilot with an Asian name finally asks the stewardess out on a date.  (Awwww.)

Ratings:  Kathy:  4 for disaster, 1 for lack of comprehension;  Jason:  3.5;  Me: A Solid 3
Favorite Lines:  Jason (at end of movie):  "I need a cigarette!"
Word of the Night:  "causterflobia" ==the fear of confined spaces so intense that the traditional diagnosis of "clausterphobia" cannot apply    (Poor Jason!  It was the wine talking.)

ATTENTION:  Ratings Retraction.   Kathy would like it to be known that after further consideration of Dark Shadows, she has come to the conclusion that she didn't like it.  She retracts her previous rating and now enters a rating of 1.5 stars.   (I'm sorry Johnny...I'm sorry....)