Conjure the Dummy!

We continue our Halloween fun this week with two very different movies.  One is a brand-new release and another is a flick from the ‘70s.  They’re definitely worlds apart…in every sense.  (By the way, I've been told the font is kind of small on here, so I've up the size.  You're welcome.)

Movie #1:  The Conjuring (2013, with Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Lili Taylor)

See!!  "Tim Burton Death Tree"!!!

Jason and Kathy both saw this in the theater; I missed it.  As it released on iTunes this week, we decided to scrap one movie we’d already decided on and watch this instead.  I’m so glad we did.  This is the story of an evil witch, a centuries-old farmhouse, the typical American family, and a couple of demonologists.  Everyone’s heard of Ed and Lorraine Warren—famous paranormal investigators who have had a very public and fairly controversial career.  This is one of their cases.  This is a ghost story. This is a haunted house story.  This is also a story about demonic possession.  Think—Amityville Horror with more kids and switch out the crazed dad for the mother.  It starts out as innocently as these things always do… clocks all stopping at the same time, things going bump in the night, unexplained bruises you don’t remember getting, shadows you may or may not have seen.  Then, it escalates rather quickly—and violently.  Here enters Ed and Lorraine.  The mystery of this odd house is uncovered, the power of faith is called upon, and good battles evil.  It follows the “formula” for these types of movies, and overall it’s fairly well done.

What we liked:  1. That they showed the pictures of the actual Perron family and the Warrens during the credits, along with newspaper clippings about the case and others investigated by the Warrens.  2.  Although Ed died in 2006, Lorraine Warren, now 86, was a consultant on the movie.  3.  Setting—the movie did a great job with the old farmhouse and the grounds around it.  Very creepy.

Ratings:  Jason—3.5; Kathy—4; Me—4.  (Now, Kathy and I are really into ghost stories and hauntings for our horror movies.  Jason’s more of the slice and dice crowd, and he did say that influenced his score just a bit.)

Moral of the story:  When you are out buying a house people…do NOT pick the house that is several hundred years old and has been abandoned for over 40 years because all the owners suffered mysterious breakdowns and/or death.  Also—do NOT pick the house that is worth a lot but is actually within your puny budget and sucks up your life savings.  Also—do NOT pick the house that has the creepy, black, “Tim Burton death tree” in the yard!  You just KNOW something evil went down there!  Friends… how many times do we have to tell you.  Learn from these cheesy movies!  DON’T BUY THE HOUSE.

Movie #2:  Magic (1978, with Anthony Hopkins, Ann-Margret, Burgess Meredith)

A young, fairly handsome Anthony Hopkins.  Beautiful Ann-Margret.  This movie should prove good, right?  Wrong.  Oh lord.  This movie was the most painfully slow and tedious descent into madness one could watch.  The premise itself isn’t bad… and it wasn’t because the acting sucked.  I mean, come on!  Anthony Hopkins!  The acting/casting was really good.  We actually felt sorry for the cast in the end.  It’s just the pacing of this movie was slower than pouring frozen molasses into a freezer while standing on the frozen tundra of the Arctic.  No lie, people.  It took FOR—EV—ER.   The plot points were spaced so far apart, and the pacing was so slow that you could feel the moments of your life drifting away into the ether as you sat through this just WAITING for something to finally happen!  You wanna know the story?  Okay—here’s my one-sentence synopsis:  Fearful, socially awkward ventriloquist runs away from success to a Catskills cabin, hooks up briefly with his high-school crush, kills his agent, his lover’s husband, and then himself because he is driven to madness by his wooden dummy.  He’s completely insane and believes his dummy talks to him and through him… as if he were real.  (Read here—“I’m a REAL boy!”)  Kathy thinks what might have slightly redeemed this movie is if Fats (the dummy) actually came to life in the end—kinda like Chucky in Child’s Play.  Me—If Anthony Hopkins can’t save a movie, then it just can’t be saved.  ‘Nuff said.

What we liked:  1. The packs of Smarties I ate out of Jason’s bowl of Halloween candy.  I can’t speak for the others…  Man, this was just bad.

Ratings:  Jason—2.5; Kathy—2.5; Me—2.  **Please note—this movie was going to get scores equal to The Swarm (our absolute worst movie to date).  However, we couldn’t do that to the actors, simply because they did do a great job with what they had.  So we bumped up the scores half a star simply on the effort of the actors.

Ghostly Hauntings...

Well, friends, we continue our foray into the macabre with a pair of hauntings.  The first—another Vincent Price classic.  The second—a phenomenal piece of modern haunted cinema.

Movie #1:  House on Haunted Hill (1959, with Vincent Price, Richard Long)

A dashing villain, Vincent Price lures a number of strangers to a “murder house” up on a secluded hill to spend the night.  The incentive to stay--$10,000.  IF—you make it through the night alive.  (insert maniacal laugh here)  Classic black and white movie, the best features are the shadows and play of light against dark.  Because of a number of shots in the movie, we believe that this may have shown in theaters as 3D.  There is a mixed cast of characters ranging from a drunk to a psychologist, to a teacher, to an over-the-hill journalist with a gambling problem, among others.  There is a suicide, an acid vat, malevolent ghosts lingering in secret passageways, loaded revolvers, miniature caskets, and severed heads in suitcases!  But remember….with Vincent Price, not everything is as it seems.  

What we liked:  1. The play of light and shadow which is so particular to black & white movies.  2.  Gothic atmosphere.

Ratings:  Jason—3; Kathy—3; Me—3.  Good, entertaining movie for its time.

Movie #2:  The Others (2001, with Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flannagan)

This movie is now over a decade old, but it is one of the best movies about a haunting that has ever been done.  It is a beautifully shot movie.  It is a visual masterpiece, and the casting is spot on.  We all agreed that Nicole Kidman should’ve won an Oscar for THIS performance rather than for Virginia Wolff in The Hours. There is so much to talk about with this movie, but it is definitely one of those where plot cannot be discussed.  For anyone who HASN’T seen the movie, keeping the plot “unspoiled” is absolutely crucial!  What I can discuss-- if you are looking for a movie with atmosphere, then this is it.  We start with an isolated English manor house on the shores of Jersey at the end of WWII.  There is the impenetrable British fog covering the grounds and the house.  The servants have all suddenly vanished.  Because of constant German attack during the war, there is no electricity in the house, so everything is dim with candle-light and oil lamps.  Unexplained noises… curtains that open and close by themselves…whispered voices in the halls…drifting shadows…and mysterious strangers that show up—as if from thin air.  

If you haven’t seen this movie—do yourself a favor and watch it.  It’s suspenseful rather than “horror” if that helps those of you that are not fans of “horror flicks”.  There’s no slicing/dicing, no blood and guts.  It’s simply a powerfully thrilling ghost story.

What we liked:  EVERYTHING.  

Ratings:  Jason—4.5; Kathy—5 ;  Me—4.75

Which do YOU like? Shaving or Waxing????

We kicked our month of frightful Halloween fun off with two movies from opposite ends of the spectrum… Our advice… don’t let them take your friend to the morgue alone and watch out for razors!

Movie #1:  Sweeney Todd (2007, Tim Burton, with Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter)

My Johnny finally earned a Golden Globe for this performance and impressed me with his singing.  There are classic Tim Burton touches all throughout this movie—the bits of vibrant color amongst a faded sepia-toned background. Odd characters that, if at all possible, Burton made even odder.  This was originally a London “urban legend” that became a popular Penny Dreadful (for you non-literature majors out there, that’s popular Victorian stories, mainly salacious horror, published weekly for a penny), then a theatre production ending up on Broadway starring Angela Lansbury in the Mrs. Lovett part.   Short version—average barber and his family… barber is wrongfully imprisoned, festers a need for vengeance for decades, then becomes a psychotic homicidal maniac slicing throats.  To add a bit more lusciousness to this macabre story… his neighbor uses the corpses to provide meat filling for her famous pies.  There is a tragic twist at the end that I shall refrain from detailing for anyone who may want to see this for the first time.  This is a musical, so while the story itself is just deliciously (pardon the pun, but actually it’s pretty good…) horrific, the music does help lighten that.   (However after seeing this in the theater release, my friend was able to scare the living daylights of his wife for a solid two weeks by sneaking up behind her with a butter knife!)

What we liked:  1. The chemistry between Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett (Johnny and Helena)—they really were good together.  2. The “cannibalism song”…. You’ll know it when you hear it!  3.  That Mrs. Lovett's hairdo is actually Helena Bonham Carter's normal, everyday hairstyle.  4. Alan Rickman and Timothy Spall.... those two actors can really pull off creepy villains.

Sponsors:    The Tuesday Night Movie Nuts would like to acknowledge and thank Karo Syrup for the production of this movie.  Without their support, the gallons of spurting blood released by Sweeney’s hand would not be possible.  Karo Syrup… good for everything from pancakes to candy brittle to fake blood. (This is a fact… Tim Burton used corn syrup dyed with orange food coloring for all the blood.)

Little Known Facts: I was Mrs. Lovett for Halloween 2008, complete with Victorian dress (made myself), crazy hair, and rolling pin!

Ratings:  Jason 4, Kathy 3, Me…3.5

Movie #2:  House of Wax (1953, with Vincent Price)

Oh my!  This is a classic.  Of course, after watching Sweeney Todd,  this was a bit…. Tame.  Although, we are adamant not to judge all movies alike because they aren’t.  You, my friends, know this.  So therefore, in the spirit of seeing a film for what it was at the time it was created, we look at House of Wax.  We begin with a brilliant and eccentric artist.  His sculptures are exquisite, yet his partner just wants a return on his investment.  There’s arson, insurance fraud, wretched deformity, lost masterpieces… AND THEN—bodies start disappearing from morgues.  A new wax museum opens.  Well, you see where this is going, right?  I think that this is more of a suspense movie than actual “horror”.  It’s also very reminiscent of Phantom of the Opera, if you’re familiar with that story.  Jason was a little disappointed because the biggest “thrill” was more towards the first half of the movie, and based on all the previews and things for this movie, it looks like there’s more “horror” involved than is actually presented, although for the time this was probably fairly shocking given the inferno scene at the beginning and the potential waxing of a live, naked woman at the end (nakedness implied not actually shown).

What we liked:  1. This is classic Vincent Price, and he’s elegantly creepy as always. 2. The fire scene.

Ratings:  Jason 3, Kathy  4, Me …3

**Note... I'm doing this a week after we saw these, and I think I have Jason's ratings right.  Any misquoted ratings are my faulty memory.

We're Back! With SHARK WEEK!!!

We’re back at it, friends!  I ended up on an unplanned hiatus for the summer.  We had insane work schedules…. Vacations… Jason moved!   We did still watch movies as much as possible, but there were a number of weeks that we couldn’t meet.  The movies we did watch have been put on the Movie Nuts Watch List, so check out that page to catch up on what we watched over the summer.  There were some good ones!  And so… to kick us back off on the blog—SHARK WEEK!!!!!

Movie #1:  Ghost Shark (2013, with ensemble cast of relative unknowns)

Another SYFY creature feature!  Ghost Shark begins with a couple of stereotypical redneck low-lives viciously killing a Great White Shark that then, through unholy magic, turns into a blood-thirsty ghost.  Now the poor town (very reminiscent of the village of Amity in Jaws, complete with self-serving mayor) is at the mercy of this violent ghost!  Oh, but it’s not just the shoreline that harbors the danger of losing life and limb—OH NO!  The “ghost shark” can travel anywhere there is water…. bathtubs, swimming pools, water hoses, fire hydrants….  No one is safe! There is the requisite group of half-naked, teenage girls.  In this movie, they’re working a fundraiser car wash, so naturally they are all WET half-naked teenage girls (you can piece it together here on your own….).  Of course, these sirens of the local high school must meet their untimely end, as is the custom with all horror movies.  Our favorite “offing”—the ghost shark is in the water bucket and chomps the girl to bits from inside the water bucket.  Absolutely over the top.  Kathy loved it… she has a picture of the scene on her Facebook page.  In the end, the unholy magic is reversed, the ghost shark is returned to the Hades of the oceanic world, and life returns to normal (with half the town decimated in the ghost shark’s wake, naturally….)

Things we loved:  1.  Richard Moll’s guest appearance as the creepy and crotchety old lighthouse keeper.  (You’ll all remember him from Night Court fame!)  He was creepy.  Very creepy.  And crotchety.  Very crotchety!   2.  The museum curator—Kathy had a very hard time determining his identity.  Is it a man?  Is it a woman?  Who is it?  We told you it was a man, Kathy… and it was—IMDB.com says so.

Ratings:  We all three gave this one a 3.5.  For what it was (read and remember here---cheesy tv horror flick), it was good. Funny, over the top, utterly ridiculous.  No Oscar noms here!  And we like it that way.

Movie #2:  Sharknado!  (2013, The Asylum, with Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard)

We’ve been waiting for another production from The Asylum!  Finally, one was released.  This flick actually even made it to the theaters.  We were all bummed that we didn’t get to go see it on the big screen….until we watched it last week.  We can go along with a lot of pretty stupid, far-fetched story lines, and we totally loved Ghost Shark.  (Kathy’s exact comment—“I’m buying it.  Ok.  I can buy that.”  Of course, that could’ve been the wine, but then, Kathy will believe about anything. )  Sharknado on the other hand…  even Kathy couldn’t go with it.  So the basic premise is the Los Angeles coast is plagued by a massive hurricane that then generates these water spouts that include dozens of sharks.  In the midst of all this is a small group of people trying to survive.  You have the fairly common family drama that comes into play at the most inopportune moments, yet is resolved by the coming together against a common foe—the sharknadoes.  Ian Ziering (of the original Beverly Hills 90210, not that recent CW reboot crap) is the hero, naturally.  Tara Reid, who by the way looks horribly old for her age, plays his ex.  Throw in massive tidal waves, hundreds of gnashing shark teeth, school bus full of stranded, crying children, a helicopter, and a chainsaw, and you have the mediocre flick which we watched.  Although a bit lack-luster for The Asylum, we were trying to hang on to our “suspension of disbelief” up until the very end.  At the end, our hero Ian sacrifices himself to save his daughter from the sharnado by jumping in front of her with a chainsaw.  The shark swallows him and the chainsaw whole.  They kill the shark, it falls to the ground, every one stands around crying over the now dead Ian.  But wait!  There’s a noise…it’s muffled, yet persistent.  What is that?  The shark’s body begins to move.  The sound gets louder; the shark’s body begins to shift harder.  There’s a sudden gash, AND-----our hero cuts through the shark’s body with the chainsaw and frees himself—AND the girl who was swallowed whole about 30 minutes ago in the movie.  WHAT????!!!!???   All three of us sat forward in our chairs and shouted our disbelief at this cinematic miracle.  Kathy:  “I believed in the ghost shark!  I ain’t believing in that!”   At that point, we were all three totally over this movie….and we were all three thankful we hadn’t wasted $10.00 a pop going to see that in the theater.  What a waste.  Why, people of The Asylum, why?  Your standards have definitely dropped.

Ratings:  Kathy and Jason both give this one a 2.5;  I give it a 1.5.  (Even if you’re into crap movies like us….Don’t bother.)

Comedy, comedy, comedy

And to bring you up to date…..

February 5^th…. Classic John Hughes

Movie #1:  The Breakfast Club (1985, with Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall, Emilio Estevez, and Ally Sheedy)

“Don’t you…forget about me…..”   Unless you have lived under a rock for the last 30 years, you hear that song and immediately think of this movie.  They are inseparable.  THE movie to forever speak for angst-ridden teenagers everywhere, this is John Hughes’ masterpiece.  So…. Which one were YOU in high school, all my readers out there in blog-land?   The athlete?  The criminal?  The princess?  The brain?  The basketcase?  I, myself, suppose I would best be classified as a “brain”; however, I firmly hold that my “true” identity in high-school would really be more “band geek”.  But that’s not an option in this film, and I digress.  Most of John Hughes’ movies are highly comedic with not a lot of deep drama.  This one, though, is the furthest from that.  Oh there are some hilarious moments—my favorite being the principal going down the hall with the paper toilet-seat cover hanging out the back of his pants—but this particular slice of Hughes’ genius has some rather dark scenes (for a teenage movie).  It discusses a lot of issues that most kids just avoid or ignore, for many individual reasons.   The Tales of the Crypt from earlier this week looked at how far humans will go to hurt others.  This movie kind of does the same….although it’s more a microscope examining WHY we’re so mean to each other at the most difficult period in a person’s life.   No matter who you are or where you come from, everyone finds someone they identify with in this movie.  That’s what makes it endure and why so many people have such strong attachments to it.  And even after 28 years, it is still just as relevant to real life as it was in 1985 when the country was introduced to “The Brat Pack”.  

What we liked:  The famous last scene…Judd Nelson’s raised fist as he walks down the football field (cue music  “Don’t you….forget about me….”)

Ratings:  Jason 4.5; Kathy 3.5; Me 4

Movie #2:  Sixteen Candles (1984, with Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, and Justin Henry)

This is classic John Hughes comedy.  The most momentous occasion in a teenage girl’s life—her 16^th birthday—is completely forgotten by her entire family.  Enter the annoying siblings, the creepy grandparents, and then the stress of navigating the mine-field of high school student hierarchy (Nerds to the left, jocks to the right, rich kids in the center…. Single file, please people, single file.)  There’s a lot of slap-stick comedy, the confusion of a Chinese foreign exchange student, a family wedding, and one pair of very famous red heart panties.  And in the center of all this chaos, one very cute senior—Jake Ryan.  (Okay, if any of you out there say you didn’t have a crush on that guy when you saw this movie, I call you out right now for the liar you are!)  Of course like all comedies, as dictated by Shakespeare, the confusion gets cleared, mistakes are mended, and in the end—the happy union.  One of the sweetest moments in film history is the end when Jake and Samantha kiss over her belated birthday cake.  (So sue me, I’m a gushy romantic….get over it.) 

What we liked:  1.  The scene with Jake when Anthony Michael Hall’s character (who is only known as “The Geek” in the whole movie) is mixing martinis and giving Jake advice on dating to a background of Frank Sinatra music!  2. John Cusack as a true “nerd”.

Trivia Tidbit:  Michael Schoeffling who played hunky Jake Ryan’s acting career only spanned 11 years, ending in 1991 with Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken after 1990’s Mermaid.  He was a champion wrestler in college, met his wife while modeling for GQ, and since the 90s has been living with his family in Pennsylvania making hand-crafted furniture.  (Anyone need a chair?  Road trip!)

Ratings:  Jason 4; Kathy 3; Me 4

February 11^th… Little known comedies

Movie #1:  In & Out (1997, with Kevin Kline, Joan Cusack, Matt Dillon, Debbie Reynolds)

What happens when an English teacher from a small mid-western town is outted as gay during an Oscar acceptance speech by his former student?  Well, this movie explores that….   Mr. Brackett’s whole world shifts after his student stuns the town by announcing that he was inspired for his portrayal of a gay man by his beloved English teacher.  Mr. Brackett is getting married in 3 days and is now having an identity crisis.  This movie is hilarious.  It’s definitely tongue-in-cheek and over the top.  Every stereotype is pulled out of the woodworks for this movie.  In the end…. Sure, there’s tears.  There’s shock.  There’s suspicion.  But past all that, there’s hope.

What we liked:  Cameo by Bob Newhart.  We just love him.  He has the greatest facial expressions.

Ratings:  Jason 4.5; Kathy 5; Me 4

Movie #2:  For Your Consideration (2006, with Catherine O’Hara, Harry Shearer, Eugene Levi)

Another “mock”umentary like Best in Show, this movie is all about the hype surrounding Oscar nominations.  We watched this one since it’s Oscar season right now—seemed appropriate.  Catherine O’Hara plays an aging actress who is rumored to be up for a nomination for her role in a period movie.  The whole movie is centered on displaying the world of show biz—the over-hype, the sleeze, the poor writers who just want their work recognized but no one even knows who the heck they are much less what they write.  At one point, the whole cast but one is “up for consideration”.  Of course, who wins… (this is no spoiler, you see it coming a mile away)… the Oscar nomination goes to the one guy who never had any buzz.  It’s pretty funny, and the movie is just filled with tons of great character actors.

Ratings:  Jason 3.5; Kathy 3; Me 3

So now you're all updated!  See you next week!